Thursday, June 29, 2006
Today, i thought to myself, maybe i'd become a soft porn writer with my own website, and sell sex toys online.
Friday, June 23, 2006
wow, it's been three long months since my last post. the silence is deafening isn't it? there were so many things i wanted to write about, yet i couldn't find the words, and sometimes, it was simply because i was too exhausted.
i had taken up the offer of a short term IT contract at a friend's marketing firm since December, and while i can sense the start of a quiet passion for my work which involves web development and ecommerce, what i really need now is a long break, to Madras ;)
I'd say that i've achieved great results in terms of work, and i've learnt more than i thought i would, and working on things that i love. but the stress and the long hours, plus the additional MCAD training (microsoft related certification) that i had to go for as part of my contract, are taking their toll on me. i havent had a respite from my eczema, which started when i took up the job, my back is in pain coz of long hours in front of the computer, my stamina and body is breaking down from the lack of exercise. then there were the 'extra' work i had to take on from mom's office which i try to do during the weekends. so for the past half a year, i think the number good weekends i have had can be counted with one hand.
i'm trying to negotiate things at work, have started to bring work from mom's office into this company as well so i can work on them during office hours. and perhaps get some time for my insurance business (yes, i was supposed to get time off for that, but with the amount of work i have, that didn't really happen.) i have told my insurance manager that i want to quit, but she's asking me to stay till the end of the year, and hopefully i'd have someone to pass my cases to. but that is another six months of stress, and a constant feeling of not meeting my targets and unfinished work. it sucks. and there were times i just wish i could die and not face it. maybe not that bad, more like wanting to stay in bed and sleep forever. but still each day, i drag myself out of bed and try to be brave. and thankfully, S has been there for me all this while, encouraging me, hearing me whine, and simply by being there.
one part of me feels that it can't take it anymore. i want to drop everything, and stop for a while. i'm constantly beating myself up for getting myself in this mess in the first place. i mean, there's no body else to blame, is there? yet, i feel powerless to change my situation, even though i am taking steps to effect those changes at the same time. feeling as though i need something drastic to pull me out, like death, or mental illness, or a big move (yes, i do hope i can get out, and yes, i know that's lame, but hey still that's a good excuse, in a way).
part of me also knows that why i'm feeling so is coz my body's breaking down. do you know that lack of nutrition causes stress and depression? with all the junk i eat outside, no wonder i'm feeling the way i do. i can't even remember when's the last yummy nutritious home cooked meal i had. yes, i miss home cooked food. i hate eating junk.
so now, while i'm looking forward to august to take my month long break to recuperate and meet up with S, i'm wondering how i should take my next steps. i'm obviously not coping well with the stress levels, no matter how hard i try. and i know that when i come back after my break, it'd still be the same crazy amount of work. which would just break whatever i gain during that break (duh.. sorry for the pun)... maybe it's time to search for an art college to enrol in, and a sugar daddy to sponsor me ;)
i had taken up the offer of a short term IT contract at a friend's marketing firm since December, and while i can sense the start of a quiet passion for my work which involves web development and ecommerce, what i really need now is a long break, to Madras ;)
I'd say that i've achieved great results in terms of work, and i've learnt more than i thought i would, and working on things that i love. but the stress and the long hours, plus the additional MCAD training (microsoft related certification) that i had to go for as part of my contract, are taking their toll on me. i havent had a respite from my eczema, which started when i took up the job, my back is in pain coz of long hours in front of the computer, my stamina and body is breaking down from the lack of exercise. then there were the 'extra' work i had to take on from mom's office which i try to do during the weekends. so for the past half a year, i think the number good weekends i have had can be counted with one hand.
i'm trying to negotiate things at work, have started to bring work from mom's office into this company as well so i can work on them during office hours. and perhaps get some time for my insurance business (yes, i was supposed to get time off for that, but with the amount of work i have, that didn't really happen.) i have told my insurance manager that i want to quit, but she's asking me to stay till the end of the year, and hopefully i'd have someone to pass my cases to. but that is another six months of stress, and a constant feeling of not meeting my targets and unfinished work. it sucks. and there were times i just wish i could die and not face it. maybe not that bad, more like wanting to stay in bed and sleep forever. but still each day, i drag myself out of bed and try to be brave. and thankfully, S has been there for me all this while, encouraging me, hearing me whine, and simply by being there.
one part of me feels that it can't take it anymore. i want to drop everything, and stop for a while. i'm constantly beating myself up for getting myself in this mess in the first place. i mean, there's no body else to blame, is there? yet, i feel powerless to change my situation, even though i am taking steps to effect those changes at the same time. feeling as though i need something drastic to pull me out, like death, or mental illness, or a big move (yes, i do hope i can get out, and yes, i know that's lame, but hey still that's a good excuse, in a way).
part of me also knows that why i'm feeling so is coz my body's breaking down. do you know that lack of nutrition causes stress and depression? with all the junk i eat outside, no wonder i'm feeling the way i do. i can't even remember when's the last yummy nutritious home cooked meal i had. yes, i miss home cooked food. i hate eating junk.
so now, while i'm looking forward to august to take my month long break to recuperate and meet up with S, i'm wondering how i should take my next steps. i'm obviously not coping well with the stress levels, no matter how hard i try. and i know that when i come back after my break, it'd still be the same crazy amount of work. which would just break whatever i gain during that break (duh.. sorry for the pun)... maybe it's time to search for an art college to enrol in, and a sugar daddy to sponsor me ;)
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]