Monday, June 23, 2003
Why would people rather aimlessly drift through the sea of life, than to struggle to find a purpose?
Is having a purpose all that important? Can't one simply exist?
King Solomon once said, "Meaningless, meaningless. Everything is meaningless." My endeavors, my failures, even this search for meaning, it means nothing. Except perhaps to myself, and in my mind. And my allegience is to this mind.
“I must find the truth that is true for me…. The idea for which I can live or die.”
-Soren Kierkegaard
Is having a purpose all that important? Can't one simply exist?
King Solomon once said, "Meaningless, meaningless. Everything is meaningless." My endeavors, my failures, even this search for meaning, it means nothing. Except perhaps to myself, and in my mind. And my allegience is to this mind.
“I must find the truth that is true for me…. The idea for which I can live or die.”
-Soren Kierkegaard
Saturday, June 21, 2003
In the story of Giselle, there exist spirits that would lead those they encounter to a dance that would go on and on until they collapse dead on the floor. There are days when I'm under that spell, and desire turns into a violent passion that threatens to consume me, and I want to dance till I can dance no more. Never had the chance to do that, but I play that over and over in my head, and I see myself turning, jumping, spinning, dancing till I become a lifeless form on the ground.
Friday, June 20, 2003
What do you do with the regrets in your life? Things you should have or shouldn't have done? Things that happened or did not happen?
There are times when I simply want move on, treating them as learning episodes and grow from them. Other times, I choose to pack them in a little suitcase, carrying it around, and taking out the contents ever so often to make sure they're still there (my precious...). And of course, there's the knee jerk reaction of wanting to blame somebody, but more often than not, I find that I'm the only one worth blaming. :P
I'm at this stage in life where I look back that the path I'd throd and I see enough mistakes and lost opportunities to feel a tinge of sadness and wish that things had been different. I want to wail in despair and mourn. Then I take a look at myself, and I know I'm still the same, and even if I could go through my life all over again, I would probably have done the same things. It's one of those conclusions where I want to whack myself on the head coz that implies that I haven't grown (or matured, as some people would say, but it has too much overtones of getting old). But that also means that I'm just being me.
Ever read one of those books where you can choose your own ending? Choose what happens next in the story, and reach a certain ending. Don't like what you've chosen? No worries, just start over again. If I had my way, life would be like that. Have different scenarios where I can look at all the different choices and all the different endings first, and then decide which one I like best. But life's not like that, isn't it? I'm still getting used to Life, and trying to accept it's potential and limitations. How come, you ask? Well, I was simply part of the system before this, and my key function? To follow. Follow the big people. Follow the strong people. Follow, follow, follow. And now, I must follow myself.
Even as I kick and cry against the past, screaming out against the weight of it all, I know that it's not the end, yet. It's never too late, they say. I hope it's true.
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching.
There are times when I simply want move on, treating them as learning episodes and grow from them. Other times, I choose to pack them in a little suitcase, carrying it around, and taking out the contents ever so often to make sure they're still there (my precious...). And of course, there's the knee jerk reaction of wanting to blame somebody, but more often than not, I find that I'm the only one worth blaming. :P
I'm at this stage in life where I look back that the path I'd throd and I see enough mistakes and lost opportunities to feel a tinge of sadness and wish that things had been different. I want to wail in despair and mourn. Then I take a look at myself, and I know I'm still the same, and even if I could go through my life all over again, I would probably have done the same things. It's one of those conclusions where I want to whack myself on the head coz that implies that I haven't grown (or matured, as some people would say, but it has too much overtones of getting old). But that also means that I'm just being me.
Ever read one of those books where you can choose your own ending? Choose what happens next in the story, and reach a certain ending. Don't like what you've chosen? No worries, just start over again. If I had my way, life would be like that. Have different scenarios where I can look at all the different choices and all the different endings first, and then decide which one I like best. But life's not like that, isn't it? I'm still getting used to Life, and trying to accept it's potential and limitations. How come, you ask? Well, I was simply part of the system before this, and my key function? To follow. Follow the big people. Follow the strong people. Follow, follow, follow. And now, I must follow myself.
Even as I kick and cry against the past, screaming out against the weight of it all, I know that it's not the end, yet. It's never too late, they say. I hope it's true.
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching.
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
I've been thinking about what I want to do next. But there are so many things that I want that I don't know what I want. (Does that make sense?)
On one hand, I know that I have an artsy side. I want to be a dancer, painter, makeup artist, writer. I'm not good enough to make a living out of them, but I wish I could. On the other hand, compared to the many other needs of this world I live in, these seem so frivolous. There are orphans to take care of, the homeless that need a hand, love to be given to the unloved. And a part of me wants to do that too. These things seem to be on polar ends, and I've always thought that it's either one or the other. But it just dawned on me that it's possible to be both! Cool! Suddenly I'm happy. :)
I guess it's back to square one again -- passion. I believe that what I'm passionate about is part of how I've been created, and if I free myself to pursue that, I will find my purpose fulfilled. What this world needs is not a bunch of people doing the right things, but a bunch of passionate people.
On one hand, I know that I have an artsy side. I want to be a dancer, painter, makeup artist, writer. I'm not good enough to make a living out of them, but I wish I could. On the other hand, compared to the many other needs of this world I live in, these seem so frivolous. There are orphans to take care of, the homeless that need a hand, love to be given to the unloved. And a part of me wants to do that too. These things seem to be on polar ends, and I've always thought that it's either one or the other. But it just dawned on me that it's possible to be both! Cool! Suddenly I'm happy. :)
I guess it's back to square one again -- passion. I believe that what I'm passionate about is part of how I've been created, and if I free myself to pursue that, I will find my purpose fulfilled. What this world needs is not a bunch of people doing the right things, but a bunch of passionate people.
Monday, June 16, 2003
I've reached the conclusion that to achieve mastery of anything, I'd have to do it for five to ten years. Oh why does it take so long to be great?! Like a child on an excursion, I find myself asking, "Are we there yet?" ever so often. And although I keep reminding myself that in the light of ten years, there's still a long way to go, I can't help but wish that things would move a wee bit faster.
As usual, there's the many 'perhaps'. Perhaps it's the instant coffee world you and I live in. Perhaps I have an unrealistic egoistical view about my abilities. Perhaps this is the fire that separates the fads from the passions. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Whatever the case, it's still taking too long. Especially when considering the fact that ten years is almost half my lifetime.
Yes I know, it's the process that counts. Who can be great without perseverance? Even geniuses need time to bloom. Sigh, if I have a little more genius, maybe it won't take so long then.
For someone who hasn't persevered in many things, I wonder if I'll ever be great in anything. Other than my education and faith, I've never kept at anything for long. Maybe long enough to be good, but not great. And somehow, that doesn't feel very sufficient. Not for now.
Then again, does it matter? Does it really really matter? I don't know. In the meantime, I'll try to enjoy the process, and continue to dream of greatness.
As usual, there's the many 'perhaps'. Perhaps it's the instant coffee world you and I live in. Perhaps I have an unrealistic egoistical view about my abilities. Perhaps this is the fire that separates the fads from the passions. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Whatever the case, it's still taking too long. Especially when considering the fact that ten years is almost half my lifetime.
Yes I know, it's the process that counts. Who can be great without perseverance? Even geniuses need time to bloom. Sigh, if I have a little more genius, maybe it won't take so long then.
For someone who hasn't persevered in many things, I wonder if I'll ever be great in anything. Other than my education and faith, I've never kept at anything for long. Maybe long enough to be good, but not great. And somehow, that doesn't feel very sufficient. Not for now.
Then again, does it matter? Does it really really matter? I don't know. In the meantime, I'll try to enjoy the process, and continue to dream of greatness.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
"No" is such a powerful word. Just as "Yes" defines who we are, "No" defines who we are not. And that is the most difficult two-letter word in my vocabulary.
It's easy to say no to junk food and bad movies, but oh, I'm spineless when it comes to saying no to people. Perhaps it's because I'm easy-going, very few things matter so much that I have to fight for it. Soccer or soap opera, who cares? Perhaps, like most people, I want to be liked and accepted. Okay, make that very well liked, very accepted. Perhaps, I still haven't found out who I am, what I want, and what I stand for.
Sometimes, it's funny how things are. I would think that I was pretty easy to bring up as a child. I would do as I'm told, no questions asked, even if I didn't particularly like it. The adults must have loved me, the girl who obeys everything they say. I always recount how I wanted to go for an event when I was younger and my mom didn't agree to it. As usual, I'd just accept that and be sad in corner, until my little sister fought for me. That's me. :) Then all of a sudden, now that I'm part of the grown up world, I'm supposed to, gasp, assert myself! How should I do that? I have no opinions, nothing to assert! Something's not right here. Is it me? Is it the system? (Is it the Matrix? Sorry, couldn't resist. :))
I feel like a blob sometimes, without a clear boundary line, and even if the line's there, so easily shifted. Like public property to be shared and used for the benefit of those around, except myself. If there's a need, I'd help. If you want it, I'd do my best to oblige. And I thank God that for most parts of my life, I've been surrounded by good people. People whom I'd have loved to say yes to anyway. But oh, if only I knew how to say no when I should.
Live and learn, says George Gascoigne. I think this will be a long hard lesson. Drats.
It's easy to say no to junk food and bad movies, but oh, I'm spineless when it comes to saying no to people. Perhaps it's because I'm easy-going, very few things matter so much that I have to fight for it. Soccer or soap opera, who cares? Perhaps, like most people, I want to be liked and accepted. Okay, make that very well liked, very accepted. Perhaps, I still haven't found out who I am, what I want, and what I stand for.
Sometimes, it's funny how things are. I would think that I was pretty easy to bring up as a child. I would do as I'm told, no questions asked, even if I didn't particularly like it. The adults must have loved me, the girl who obeys everything they say. I always recount how I wanted to go for an event when I was younger and my mom didn't agree to it. As usual, I'd just accept that and be sad in corner, until my little sister fought for me. That's me. :) Then all of a sudden, now that I'm part of the grown up world, I'm supposed to, gasp, assert myself! How should I do that? I have no opinions, nothing to assert! Something's not right here. Is it me? Is it the system? (Is it the Matrix? Sorry, couldn't resist. :))
I feel like a blob sometimes, without a clear boundary line, and even if the line's there, so easily shifted. Like public property to be shared and used for the benefit of those around, except myself. If there's a need, I'd help. If you want it, I'd do my best to oblige. And I thank God that for most parts of my life, I've been surrounded by good people. People whom I'd have loved to say yes to anyway. But oh, if only I knew how to say no when I should.
Live and learn, says George Gascoigne. I think this will be a long hard lesson. Drats.
Monday, June 02, 2003
It's time to go. Pack up and leave. I'm not learning, I'm bored, I'm not passionate about it, I hate it here.
I should stay, hang in there. Learn to look at things from a different angle, enjoy the little things in life, change my attitude, develop perseverence, where's the mental strength?
I'd never know till I try. I think I'll find something I like. I want to do something that makes a difference, I'm tired of all these.
Look at it as a means to an end, work's not where I should put meaning to life, it doesn't matter.
Damn it. It does matter.
Told my boss that I'm gonna take some time off work. But the plan is to take a few months off, and never go back. Ha. Thought about it since day one, but took me three years to put my foot down and say it. I feel good about doing this, finally growing up enough to know and voice out what I want, yet at the same time, I wonder if I've really emerged the victor? The gal who's brave enough to forsake a stable job to pursue her passion.
In a way, I think I've lost this game. I couldn't face the situation, and I'm giving up on this chance to grit my teeth and hang in there no matter what, and perhaps develop some character through the experience. Now I'm just a softie, afraid of boredom, choosing to run away.
I love and hate myself for doing this. I truly do.
Anyhow, the choice has been made, and I guess that's better than wanting and not taking action. Who knows, perhaps I'd be luckier in the next game.
I should stay, hang in there. Learn to look at things from a different angle, enjoy the little things in life, change my attitude, develop perseverence, where's the mental strength?
I'd never know till I try. I think I'll find something I like. I want to do something that makes a difference, I'm tired of all these.
Look at it as a means to an end, work's not where I should put meaning to life, it doesn't matter.
Damn it. It does matter.
Told my boss that I'm gonna take some time off work. But the plan is to take a few months off, and never go back. Ha. Thought about it since day one, but took me three years to put my foot down and say it. I feel good about doing this, finally growing up enough to know and voice out what I want, yet at the same time, I wonder if I've really emerged the victor? The gal who's brave enough to forsake a stable job to pursue her passion.
In a way, I think I've lost this game. I couldn't face the situation, and I'm giving up on this chance to grit my teeth and hang in there no matter what, and perhaps develop some character through the experience. Now I'm just a softie, afraid of boredom, choosing to run away.
I love and hate myself for doing this. I truly do.
Anyhow, the choice has been made, and I guess that's better than wanting and not taking action. Who knows, perhaps I'd be luckier in the next game.
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